Tag: asperger’s

Subvocal Tendencies

I have a hard time talking and often wish that I could could connect a computer to my brain so I can communicate more… easily. The information from my brain bottlenecks at my mouth and vocabulary becomes a desert. I just can’t say something sometimes, so I don’t. Most of all, I am extremely terrified of the telephone and calling a stranger gives me so much anxiety I want to vomit out of sheer terror. I can scale 700 feet up a mountain and be hesitant, but public speaking and speaking to strangers elicit a deep dread that I could never shake and renders me frozen. There’s so much more I can express in media but, vocally? Nope. Not a chance.

Which is why the technology below gives me hope that micro expressions can be used to communicate. I’m not sure if this would erase that fear, but if I can use it to “write” my thoughts or command a computer (to put together a piece of digital art, or music), or create visual representatios of ideas, the possibilities are endless.

The technology involves a system of sensors that detect the minuscule neuromuscular signals sent by the brain to the vocal cords and muscles of the throat and tongue. These signals are sent out whenever we speak to ourselves silently, even if we make no sounds. The device feeds the signals through an A.I., which “reads” them and turns them into words. The user hears the A.I.’s responses through a microphone that conducts sound through the bones of the skull and ear, making them silent to others.

“A lot of people with all sorts of speech pathologies are deprived of the ability to communicate with other people,” says Kapur, a PhD candidate at MIT. “This could restore the ability to speak for people who can’t.”

This Device Can Hear You Talking to Yourself

The Verdict

Yesterday, I returned a call I missed from Dr. Neuropsychologist. While I was driving to work, he diagnosed me with Asperger’s.

So there it is. Asperger’s. A non-surprise, but a shock all the time.

I called work to tell people there I could not come in because I was just diagnosed, and was pretty much shaking uncontrollably and hyperventilating. I mean, it is a relief, but when it’s real, it’s real. I couldn’t tell you how I felt, it seemed like I felt everything. Feelings are hard to verbalize.

Then my sister took off work to hang out with me and to figure out things, like if I lost my employment, the future, etc. This is because the whole reason I ended up with this diagnosis was because I couldn’t do my job in some basic ways: being socially aware, writing too long of notes, being unclear, etc. etc. etc. I am still bitter than I have been receiving such harsh treatment over the past 5 months, with negative feedback cloaked in “constructive feedback” every week. No mention of anything “right” that I did. No mention that I created hard drive space, created informational spreadsheets, helped with tech-related issues (“How do I get this to work?” every single day), make their printer work again by figuring out the network cable, none of that. It is no wonder I got depressed and demoralized.

I told the Disability Director that I was diagnosed, and she spammed me, really wanted to meet with me. I was scared because what else is going to happen? So my sister and I both went to meet her, and my sister is a Type A personality who is an account executive which means she interacts (er, kindly bullies in a persuasive way) with people for a living. If you want anyone in your corner, it’s my sister with her claws out and her brain-mouth firing at full speed. She is a force of nature with both words and voice. One does not piss off my sister and expect to escape unscathed.

So I got a new job. A creative, techy, learn-on-the-fly job.

After I went home, I learned that my ex-manager at my ex-job just up and fired the office manager but said that person had chosen to go somewhere else. No probationary period, no warnings. They fired her for “not doing a good job”, which of course, can be twisted up into paperwork if you’re looking hard enough for mistakes. Which is what happened to me. Then I was told that this has happened a lot in the past, where this workplace will “cleanse” the practice “of undesirables” suddenly, sneakily, underhandedly. It makes me sick that people can do this to other people.

So what seems like a “great” job ended up being a nightmare. I’m glad now I don’t have to go back, but I’m scared about my future. I’m scared to not be able to support myself. For my whole life, I felt like I was wrong for the world. Now I know why but that does not make it hurt less. But I promised myself after graduating from my second college with a second degree that all my “shenanigans” will stop and I will grow up and be an adult.
So now what? I don’t know.
It’s an ending.
It’s a beginning.